Monday, January 5, 2009

Living in the present..

I have relized a lot lately that i am living in the future. I guess you could say i am happy right now in my life, but i feel like i bring my happiness from what my life will be like in the future. Everyday my mind is constently running with ideas of what my own apartment will look like, how i would decorate it. How i will dress and look when i am on my own. For some reason i can't focus on what is going on in my life right now. I can only focus on what will be going on in my life. My dreams of what my life will be like are so detailed. From what will wear, to who my friends will be and the lifestyle i will live.
I have been thinking of the reason of this and what i have come up with is, i am not truly happy with my life right now. I figure it is a way to cope with what is going on in my life. All of the stress and sadness, i bottle it in and think of how great my life will be in a matter of years. My fear is, what if my life is nothing like i dream of it to be? If my life doesn't turn out the way i dream, will i be completely unhappy and disatisfied? I worry that my life will go on without me. If i keep dreaming of what will be, what if i never get out of that dream? If in a year or so, i am in the same place i am now. The more i think about it, the more i am afraid. Of course, my mind just goes to nah, i will be happy then.
The question is, why can't i be happy now?

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